A long awaited time

So I'm scared. I'm pretty dang excited, but I'm scared. It's like the first day of high school all over again.

I have a job interview at The Journal Gazette on Monday and I have to impress all these people and not freak out.

It's like I'm totally excited and scared shitless at the same time.

Oh the places I will go

Where the world will take me, I do not know.

Let me just count them.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

There are 8. 8. How can I possibly handle that many? When it rains it pours.

My heart is torn in three.

A part of me doesn't want to leave.

The rest of me doesn't really know.

I'll keep you my dirty little secret...

I really think that is how I am to a lot of people. I'm just some big secret part of their lives that they don't want other people to know exists.

I'm always just some girl. When do I get to be more than some girl? I'm tired of being someone's secret. I want to be someone's someone.

It's all just a waiting game now. Maybe I'll let this game decide...obviously it will, but where I end up will be only because of the game and not by my choosing. I'm tired of blaming myself for the course which my life has run...it shall now be something else...just so I can displace the blame elsewhere.

On a completely unrelated note, the world as become to reliant on technology that it's disturbing. Friend has become a verb because of Facebook. My wireless was out for a few days and people didn't even talk to me. They have my number. They could have called. However, they just wait until I get back online to my AIM to talk to me. Oh well.

Eleven applications later and I'm waiting. Arizona, New Mexico, Kansas City, Indiana, Florida, North Carolina, Colorado, D.C, Iowa, Louisiana. Who knows what will happen. I don't even know where I want to go. I'd like Phoenix, Kansas City or Miami, but only time will tell.

Through so many things, I will learn patience.

Just thoughts that are on my mind

They'll be in their vaguest form of course.


I'm not to sure about the odds of seeing them again, but I believe them to be low. However, if it is meant to be it will figure out how to happen.


I guess I'll spend tomorrow working on cover letters because today didn't pan out that way. I shouldn't procrastinate on this. I need to grow up. I actually just need to grow in so many ways. I'm ready.

I'm ready to find it. It being that dreaded four letter word. With this new phase in my life, I'm ready to find and grow and seek and explore and learn and fail and get back up and keep on going. I'm ready and willing for anything and everything.

I just wish myself all the best really. Keep my head up and stay strong.

Oh, the places you'll go

The places I may go are spread all over the place.

Ohio, Texas, New Mexico, Georgia, Iowa, Virgina, DC, Connecticut, Jersey, Tennesee, Indiana, Wyoming, Missouri, Illinois. Geez, I'm crazy.

Enter funeral march here

So, I graduated on Saturday...and it was awesome. Now I just have to find a job.


I didn't really, and still don't to be honest, like the whole people leaving thing.


I learned how to drive a stick. I rock at it.


The story of my life just keeps on playing...forget what I want because everyone else comes first to the man upstairs. I'd like for some things to work out right away and not in some crazy round about way that my graduation and major did.


That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mixology

So what it is is what it is, but there are mixed signals from all around.

That's life though really.

WTF Mate?

Well I found the answer out to the previous post.

Why can't people just be honest? Is it really that hard? Just do it.

I go back to John Mayer. Just say what you need to say.

THE END!

Just a question

What am I to you
Tell me darling true
To me you are the sea
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue

When you're feeling low
To whom else do you go
See I cry if you hurt
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so

If my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
I never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
I love you when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you

Yah well if my sky should fall
Would you even call
Opened up my heart
Never want to part
I'm giving you the ball

When I look in your eyes
I can feel the butterflies
Could you find a love in me
Could you carve me in a tree
Don't fill my heart with lies

I will you love when you're blue
Tell me darlin true
What am I to you
What am I to you
What am I to you




That about sums it up.

Late night ramblings

The school year is coming to an end. 4 weeks. That is all that is left. i honestly could NOT be any happier at the moment. I'm on my last nerve with some people, places, things, ideas...yeah, you get the point.


So I changed my outlook on life, but not all of it changed. Maybe the rest is just a little jetlagged from the trek. Hopefully when it's time, they'll snap out of it and work like they're supposed to. How is that for vague?


Blah.

It's a little bit funny

Okay, actually it is a lot funny. A true sign of desperation if you ask me and that just cracks me up like crazy.


Things are weird with the world now. Three people who haven't talked to me in a long while decided to talk to me again. One of them allowed my the closure I had wanted for so long but no longer needed. One was drunk, so I shouldn't really count it. Then the other was just as unexpected as the first...if not more so. I can't say what will happen and I don't want to think about it. There's just so much wrong with all the situations that it's not worth pondering about really.


Next weekend should be interesting. Not really sure what to expect. I guess I'll go in with no expectations.

Say what you need to say

Thanks John Mayer.



I'm tired of frogs.


I'm tired of him.


I'm tired of it all.

The life and times of me

So, life is pretty much fantastic. I don't have any complaints. However, life doesn't seem to be going well for everyone else and that makes me sad. I wish I could help them.

How do you know when you feel that L word? It's something I've been trying to figure out for awhile. It's always, "Oh, you'll know when you know." Well now I think I know, but how can I be sure? I've questioned it every other time, so why wouldn't I do so this time? I'm just afraid I'm going to talk myself out of feeling this way.

It's a secret though. Something I'm not quite ready to let out. I can't say it first. That's not how it works. Not with me.

It's still funny how things work out. Maybe this was just meant to be and I kept fighting it. I'm glad I stopped. It's been great.

Barftastic

A lot of my life is barftastic now. Barftastoc is a word that I use to describe somethat that is so disgustingly cute that you want to barf.

It's weird really, but I'm happy. I've wanted what I have for awhile now and to finally have it. I don't know how to explain it. This is what happy feels like. It's wonderful.

He's wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. Just incredible and I am so happy when I'm with him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Effing funniest thing, what I recently found out. Never in a million years would annything happen with her and something did! HAHAHA .............the signs of desperation. I hope he hates that I'm so happy and that he wasn't able to make me so. I hope he's miserable, but then again, I'm not that girl.

All smiles on this front

It's interesting hot things play out. Something that I have wanted for a good while has presented itself and now I'm not sure if I can take it. So much has happened and I'm scared. I don't want to hurt anyone. This is the year for me though and I'm going to do what I want to do and in my own time.


It's great to hear sweet things when it's been so long since you've heard them. I never saw it coming and I am a happy girl. I'll probably say yes, I just don't know when that will be.


School is stressful. Life is stressful. At least this time I'm not super depressed about it. Ah, progress. I love it!

And the saga continues

My life is a drama, but then again, whos isn't?


I'm changing and I can tell. I've wanted this for so long and to finally have it be here is the greatest thing in the world. I don't think that I could be any happier at the current moment. I really don't. It's great.


I did something I never thought I would do EVER and I don't regret it at all. It's wonderful, this new outlook on life that I have.


I'm curious as to how some things are going to turn out. I wish I could have a little glimpse in to the future. Just a little one to give me some guidance. I wish I could say that I'm not going to worry, but I definitely will. I do that....a lot.


The windows and the doors are wide open. It's never been like this. It's both liberating and terrifying. I think for once I am actually in control. I'm scared of screwing it up. I sure hope I don't.


It's interesting that things change so quickly, but I don't know if I can trust these changes. I want to, but I just don't know if I can.

What once was is again

The paper is back and so is something unexpected. I don't really know what to make of it, so I will make nothing of it. Simple enough.


The internship is about all I expected it to be. I sit and do my work and listen to everyone else talk. It's amusing really.


Classes tomorrow. Here's to one hell of a last semester...sort of.


Last night was hard. Breaking routine is no fun. However, there's no need to dwell on it. What's done is done and what's to come will come and I am SO looking forward to it.

The start of a new beginning

Tomorrow marks the start of the rest of my life. I get to start my internship, something that I am both looking forward to and completely terrified of. This has the potential to lead me to great things so I am terrified of screwing it up. However, it will certainly be a learning experience since it's all about fashion and fitness and such things of which I am not accustomed.

Change of thought here...It's how I work.

It's a weird feeling when you get what you wanted and then you realize that you didn't really want it. I can't decide if it hurts or not. Am I because it's been me for awhile or am I not because I'm over it (sort of)? It gets better and then something happens to make me completely rethink it. I wish I could just stop thinking for awhile. The ultimate mind cleanse. That would be amazing. Too bad things like that don't happen.

Started meds. We shall see how that goes.



My song for today - Here's to me.

RELIENT K LYRICS

"Who I Am Hates Who I've Been"

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the Pacific and
You might think I'm losing my mind,
But I will shy away from the specifics...

'cause I don't want you to know where I am
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus]
Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

[Chorus]
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
Synching up to the beating of my heart,
And I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart.

And I can't let that happen again
'cause then you'll see my heart
In the saddest state it's ever been.

This is no place to try and live my life.

[Pre-Chorus x2]
[Chorus]

Who I am hates who I've been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me.
Who I am hates who I've been
'cause who I've been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became.
So sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.

Oh, the joys of friends...or the lack there of

Friends. That's a funny term for me these days. Don't know who I can and can't trust. Don't want to know what the one has to say, yet she feels the need to tell me anyway. Hopefully she won't anymore. I told her that I don't care.


HUGE step for me today. Took my first antidepressant. After years, I finally did it. Now we shall see what happens.


Took it all back. Left a note. Shouldn't care what he thinks, but I do. It's bullshit really.


Internship starts on Wednesday!! EXCITED!!!


My life can go any number of directions right now and I am most excited about them. We'll see what comes of everything.


All that's happened must be leading me somewhere, so take me there!







Hm, song for today---this is what I would have wanted to say the first two weeks. But I've gotten over it. I'm not sorry because you deserved it. You were no good to me. What you did for me in no way equals what I did for you. While I shouldn't want reward or anything like that, it would have just been nice for there to be a balance.

Sorry - Buckcherry

Oh I had alot to say
Was thinking on my time away
I miss you and things weren't the same
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry i'm bad, i'm sorry i'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

This time I think i'm to blame
It's harder to get through the days
We get older and blame turns to shame
'Cause everything inside it never comes out right
And when I see you cry it makes me wanna die.

I'm sorry i'm bad, i'm sorry i'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
[ Sorry lyrics found on http://www.completealbumlyrics.com ]
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say i'm sorry.

Every single day I think about how we came all this way
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried
It's never too late to make it right
Oh yeah Sorry!

I'm sorry i'm bad, i'm sorry i'm blue
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you
And I know I can't take it back
I love how you kiss, I love all your sounds
And baby the way you make my world go 'round
And I just wanted to say i'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry baby.
I'm sorry.

Ramblings about nothing

It sucks when you know how you feel about a situation and aren't able to express it verbally without getting so incredibly pissed off. I just want to be able to talk about it without getting frustrated.

It's getting better. That's a plus.

Wishing doesn't help, but I still do it.

Music tells the story of my life. I probably say that a lot. It's true though. They sing it. I feel it. I feel it. They sing it. It's amazing.

The things I wish I knew are tearing at me.

It's amazing how one minute you can be up and the next second you have fallen so far down. Why is there such a drastic change? Shouldn't it really be more of a transition? That'd be nice.







This pretty much explains it:

Keith Urban - You'll Think Of Me Lyrics



I woke up early this morning around 4am
With the moon shining bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keeping me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothing left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out driving trying to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feeling just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowing what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleeping with your pride
Wishing I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cat and leave my sweater
'Cause we got nothing left to weather
In fact I'll feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

Read it somewhere else

"You just. Aren't. Worth it.

If and when you are ready to grow up and be more adult about friends, give me a call. Until then, good luck.

Wait, no. I'm not going to wish you good luck. Make your own luck because I am through caring about you."







It was on someone else's blog. It sums my situation up perfectly, you know, in a world where I'm normal. However, I will always care. I will always wonder. I will always try. I want to stop caring. I want to say "To hell with you," but I just can't. It's not my style.

Do I want you back? I don't know. To have something ripped so abruptly from me that was there all the time KILLS a little bit of me every day that you don't talk to me. I want you to grow up and I want to help you do that, but you never wanted to help me or help yourself. i can't take care of you for the rest of your life. I have to take care of me. No one else can or will. It's up to me. Maybe it was for the best. I can only hope it was.

I don't think you're an asshole. However, I don't think you're right.

It's hard to sleep because you never leave.

I want you back in my life as a friend. You won't be hurting me. I value your opinion because I respect and appreciate you.

The things I shouldn't know kill me. You should watch who you say things to. Then again, so should I.

I don't know when the time to let go is. It was probably 5 months ago.

I'm lost in life yet again. Here I am having to rebuild everything.

Grow up. It's for your own good.

I was never really ready. The thought was nice though.

Love and trust are out the window.

I'm taking care of myself. Are you?

Oh the confusion...

What's a person to do when everyone around them is letting them down and they can't trust a single one of them? What's a person to do when their entire life crumbles from underneath them and all of those other people aren't there to support the person? What's a person to do when they have to do everything on their own because they're always let down? What do you do when you are lied to by the one person that can give you exactly what you want, but don't necessarily need? What do you do when the one thing that made the most sense, no longer does?

I certainly don't know the answers. If I did, I would have my life figured out at this point. However, those things have to happen without rhyme or reason and we're left to fend for ourselves in a world that we're almost all convinced is out to get us.

The fairness, or lack there of, of life is astounding. A realization was made by myself and one of my co-workers that it's the bitchy women who get the guys and the friends that will do anything for them, but it's the nice people that, pardon my french, get completely fucked over by everyone?

I'm a girl who cares more about everyone else than myself. I will do anything for anyone pretty much no matter the cost to me. However, the acts are never reciprocated. I know there are people out there just like me, so, would it be too much to ask for some act of kindness to come from someone else other than myself? Is it possible for people to pull their heads out of their asses for one minute and help someone else?

I'm a strong person, so all of this I've so vaguely described, will pass. At this point, I'm better than I have been in a long while and that's thanks to no one and to everyone. I'm fine because I made myself fine and I won't give the credit to anyone else. You don't get the praise for the afterwards. If you weren't there when it was rough, you don't get to be there now. So, here's to me. Here's to 2008. Here's to the rest of my life.